Failed again :'(

Failed again on my diet today :'(

Everyday I start of great then I deteriorate and then once the kids are in bed I'm sat on the sofa watching YouTube videos (sorry I should say doing my work) and snacking (read - gorging) on something sweet and / or unhealthy!

That's it,  I'm so vexed at myself - I'm tossing the crap out!

Oh but that chocolate cake looks so tasty, I could save it for tomorrow and eat only a tiny piece?

No- get it out you idiot!  Why'd I even buy it in the first place?!? I'm such an idiot! :'(

'Cause it tasty and yummy and good :-)

No,  it's not good. I want to be able to enjoy my future one day, not my cake now >_<

Sigh... so... the cake is gone :-)

Tomorrow is a new day and I'll do better. My kids deserve better from me then for me to waste my future on dumb arse cake >_<

I must resist!

I'm going paperwork,  My house needs cleaning but the papers have to be done before 1 today (it's 12:15 now) and I'm craving chocolate or something sweet and unhealthy.

I must resist.

I must resist.

Next time I see chocolate I'll be like Gothal (is that his name?) "Precious,  My precious..."

Random thought of the day

This blog is a journal after all,  warning it'll not be all about being a fatty trying to get thinny- I got other stuff in me head too ya know ;-)

So I'll also be talking about random topics sometimes and another 'target' of mine that isn't related to fatness but is partially related to fitness (I'll explain that in a later post lol)

Anyway, random thought of the day:

To vote or not to vote,  that is the question...

It's the EU stay/leave referendum today. I want to stay. Mostly cos if we leave then my OH would be out of a job- he teaches English as a second language. 

Yes ,  it's as simple a choice as that in my mind lol,  all the debates have been wasted on me.

So I'd vote stay but two things - one I really don't feel like going out. I love going for walks but I've got my treadmill for that. Who needs to go outside everyday? No thanks - I'm a hermit and proud of it :-)

Second thing is I'm not actually sure it'll make any difference what I vote anyway as:
A - I think the voting system is a flawed system (better then nothing but not good enough) and
B - I'm not convinced it really matter what I vote, I sometimes think that those in 'power' count the tallies as best suits their aims then what is actually submitted.

That's right - I think it's rigged! Call me a nut I don't care,  I got my views and I ain't afraid to share... lmao :-)

I'll let you know if I went or stayed home later lol.

Breakfast

Kiwi x 2, banana x 1 and small squirt of whipping cream. A surprising 349 calories apparently lol.

Still very tasty - tip,  wait til the kiwi is soft be for you eat it. Softer is sweeter,  firmer is tarter!

My diet hasnt even lasted a full day yet

I'm such an idiot.

I start the day off great,  fruit for breaki, light lunch,  snack of milk or water with steamed veggies or fruit. But come dinner time,  I'm tired,  I'm on auto pilot trying to get done the last things of the day between putting my boy's to bed and going to bed myself,  and I binge it. I know what I'm doing but I don't stop myself,  then I struggle to sleep afterward which makes it all worse the next day. Plus I get so ashamed of myself for my eating habits. I've really gotta work on changing these ways.

I'll try again today - water and fruit for breaki (2 kiwi and one banana to be exact - I read that kiwi is good for fertility which is the aim of my game lol)

Current stats

Weight - 18 st
Height - 5ft 4in
Waist size -
Hip size -
Thigh size -
Fitness level - low

What do I like least about my body?

Wings, saggy breasts,  thighs that rub together :'(

What do I like most about my body?

My eyes, my hair, my belly (it's big and covered in stretch marks but it's a daily reminder that I birth two amazing kids! Not that I need a reminder while they run all over me)

Goals -

Ideal weight - not sure,  i guess around 12 st
I'm not too fussed about size or weight. It's my fitness I really want to fix. I want to be able to walk up the hills near my house without getting breathless, I want to be able to not fight with midwives over future pregnancies cos of my weight, I want to be able to play with my children without getting breathless. However,  I also know I need to loose weight to maintain healthy bones and joints,  I have weak ankles as I broke them loads as a kid, so I need to think about that also.

Barriers -

I binge eat one minute then starve myself for a day or more afterwards cos I'm so ashamed and angry with myself.
I also have a habit of sneeking sweets or small chocolates when im alone in the kitchen so that my OH or kids dont see me cos i dont want them to know how additcted i am :'(

I've got other barriers too that I can't think of right now,  but the whole purpose of me writing this is to help me overcome them.

Know your weaknesses,  then turn them into strengths.

So about the blog... introductions please

Hi hello and salaam to anyone as chooses to read this blog.

I'll be 100% percent honest - I've no idea what I'm doing or, even, why I'm doing it.

In my mind I'm hoping that on my journey from being my current unhealthy and obese self (I ain't ashamed!), to the idealised fit and maybe slightly thinner version of who I want to me.

Main problem- I'm kinda lazy and struggle to motivate myself to do too much. Maybe it's a gen Y thing, I don't know. It's who I am.

I wanna be a healthy, fit mum, a good role model and strong enough to have more kids.

So I think I'm gonna use this blog as a kinda journal - updated my calorie intake, admit my woes, and share my successes (when I reach them)

I kinda want to help others by doing this. In my research for online support I found lots of examples that I couldn't relate too, all the befores  and afters seemed so abstract to me. I couldn't find a journey,  a 'during' that I could relate too.

Hence why I'm here - to share my journey, maybe get motivation to keep going past the first week and get from fat 2 fit.